Because I Don't Want to Forget

So, the boys and I have been doing a lot of dancing and praising God in our kitchen lately. They both love to dance, so we often crank up the music and cut loose while I'm making lunch or cleaning up. A few weeks ago, we were rocking out to Israel Houghton's "You are Good"--I mean really, you gotta listen to that song LOUD--and Drew stops and looks at me and says, all serious-like, "Mom, you know why God is good?"

I quickly turn down the music and ask, "Why?"

"Well," he says, "because when God was deciding how he was going to do things, he decided to keep his promises."

Huh. God is good...because he keeps his promises.

I think you're on to something, son.

Practicing Obedience

I have so very many blog posts spinning around in my head. That's what happens when you don't blog for months at a time, I suppose. So, the best cure for that, I suppose, would be to pick something and talk about it, huh?

Ok, here goes.

So I'm leading our women's bible study this year as we work through Beth Moore's Living Beyond Yourself (a study of the fruit of the Spirit). I cannot tell you what a blessing this has been for me.

Our bible study is an ecumenical group sponsored by our church. The women are of all ages and stages of life, and we meet once a week on Wednesday mornings for prayer and study. We have a wonderful leader who does all the organizational tasks for the group and leads our prayer time, but usually we've taken turns -- on a week by week basis -- leading the discussions.

This summer a small committee consisting of myself, our leader Barbara, and another woman named Evelyn (who is one of the godliest women I know) were charged with choosing what we would study this academic year. We had decided we were going to spend the first 6 weeks on a study of prayer led by Barbara, and then had narrowed our choices for the remainder of the year down to either the Beth Moore study OR a study on the book of James. We decided to each spend time doing the studies and praying for God's direction and then meet again to make a decision. I spent time with both studies and prayed and prayed for God to reveal which one we should do. I got no answers. Not an inkling of direction about which one we should do. What I did get was this very quiet feeling that if we chose the Beth Moore study, I should lead the discussions.

At first I didn't trust that it was even from God -- how could He ask me to do this? I had my hands absolutely full juggling two part-time jobs and a family, I didn't need another responsibility right now. But the more I prayed about it, the more sure I became that this is what God was saying to me. Then the insecurities began: Who am I to think that they would even want me to lead every week? Many of those women already have to deal with me leading worship at church, they're probably sick to death of me! Who do I think I am, anyway? But God was insistent: IF we decided to do the Beth Moore study, I at least needed to volunteer to lead it.

So, eventually the three of us gathered at Barbara's house to make our decision. After prayer and some discussion of other logistical issues, Barbara posed the question: did we know which study we should do? I sat perfectly still, not about to utter a word. Didn't have to -- Evelyn immediately responded with, "Well, I do! We're supposed to do Beth Moore - the fruit of the Spirit." I winced. (I really did!) And then I muttered, almost begrudgingly, "Well, you should know that God told me if we did this study I was supposed to lead it." Almost immediately tears sprang into Evelyn's eyes. Turns out that as God revealed to her that we should do the Beth Moore study, he also put it on her heart to pray that someone would volunteer to lead it. Now if that ain't the Holy Spirit at work, I just don't know what is.

Needless to say, I was now committed to leading this study. Which was all well and good, because after all, God had gone to some lengths to orchestrate the whole thing and I felt pretty certain He was up to something. But still, I was now going to have to actually lead the bible study. And that meant time and effort and energy to prepare and all that stuff that I didn't think I had any extra of, right?

And that's where the real miracle happens. Because I started praying right away -- and so did Barbara and Evelyn, thank goodness -- that God would equip me to do what He had called me to do. I told God right from the start that this was His idea and I was happy to go along with it, but He would have to just do it through me.

And, let me just tell you, that's exactly what He did. Now usually I'm not so good at getting out of God's way and letting Him do His thing -- I usually like to get right in there with my own little schemes and plans and quickly relegate Him to offering occasional wise counsel and emergency rescue. But, in this particular case, He really didn't give me any choice in the matter. This was His plan and He would see it through.

And, ladies and gentlemen, I have never been so blessed. Never once has this felt like a burden. The time I have spent studying the lessons has been transformational. And the time I've spent preparing to lead the discussion has been nothing but rewarding. Every single week God has directed me so clearly as to what we should discuss and how we should spend our time. It's been such a precious time of hearing and discerning His voice -- and practicing obedience to it. It hasn't been stressful, it hasn't been exhausting, it hasn't been taxing. In fact, it's been just the opposite: it's been refreshing, exhilirating, sometimes even downright fun. Now, this doesn't mean that every discussion has gone perfectly well or been a complete success. Not at all. But God has taken my somewhat reluctant willingness to be obedient in this small matter, and given me back so much more than I could have ever hoped or dreamed.

Jesus says, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matt. 11: 30) This isn't to say that everything God asks of you is going to be a piece of cake -- or that you won't suffer. After all, Jesus also says, "Take up your cross and follow Me." But it is to say this: submission to God's plan brings immeasurable joy, blessing, freedom and peace. I want to keep doing what God asks me to do -- keep saying "yes!" to God--because I want to know in the rest of my life the peaceful rest in God's leadership and provision that I've experienced in leading this bible study . I know, oh how well do I know, what happens when I say "no" to God. And this, my friends, this peace in acknowledging the authority of God, no matter how much it costs, is just so much better.

...And SomeBody's Child

In this morning's sermon, our pastor challenged us to find our identity not in our various roles--mom, wife, worship leader--but in Christ. Among other things, he talked about the subtle difference between identifying yourself as a nurse (for example) that's a Christian, versus a follower of Christ that happens to be a nurse. I was convicted.

I used to be a teacher and I absolutely loved it. It was my calling--and my whole identity. In fact, it blows me away that there are people that know me now that don't even know that I taught--it was such a huge part of who I was for so long. When God led me to take a non-teaching job in the community in which we now live, I went through a deep mourning period, not just for the absolutely ideal job I had to leave when we moved, but also for my very identity. Without teaching, I didn't know who I was.

I have said numerous times that I'm so glad God took me through that period before I got pregnant. I knew that I would quit teaching when I had my first baby, and I would have hated to have that identity crisis all tied up in becoming a mom. God graciously led me through the process of giving up that part of my life (at least for now) 2 years before I had Drew so that when he arrived I was able to joyfully embrace a new role as mom with an undivided heart.

Anyway, as I sat there this morning listening to the sermon, I realized that while I am now able to identify myself as mom and wife first and that might seem like I've gotten my priorities straightened out, I'm still really missing the boat. Even though making my family first on my list seems noble, in reality I've just exchanged one misplaced identity for another.

The truth is this: unless my primary identity is in Christ, my life will inevitably be off-balance. For instance, if my whole identity is in being Drew and Liam's mom, I'm going to parent them in a way that affirms my role: baby them so that I always feel needed, or push them to be super-kids so my sacrifice is validated by their successes, or at the very least, be a terribly overbearing mother-in-law! :) If, on the other hand, my identity is in being a worship leader, I'm going to put church work before my family, cater to the whims of every member of the congregation that lodges a complaint, or foster a prideful performance-based atmosphere.

It is only when my identity is solely grounded in the fact that I am a new creation in Christ that I can be truly free to parent with my children's best interest in mind, be the kind of wife my husband needs and serve my church, workplace and community to God's glory and not my own.

So...in hindsight, maybe I should have titled my blog Somebody's Child.

On Lying and Forgiveness

Our almost four-year-old has started lying. I know in my head that this is a typical development at this age--and just another manifestation of his sin nature--but wow, I wasn't prepared for how unnerving it would be to watch my beloved son look me straight in the eyes and tell a boldface lie without even a flinch.

Yesterday I walked into the dining room to see the blinds raised all the way to the top. We never leave them this way, so I asked Drew if he had been playing with the blinds (he knows he is not supposed to do this). "No," he responded, casually, "I didn't do it." I questioned him again but he stuck to his story. Now, there are only four people in our family: I knew I hadn't done it, it certainly wasn't the baby, and a quick trip upstairs to check in with daddy confirmed he was innocent as well. I confronted Drew with this logic. His only response: "I don't know, Mommy. I didn't do it."

Now I could really care less about the blinds. We have a rule and try to keep it consistent for safety reasons, but had he admitted his guilt at the first question, I probably would have simply reminded him the blinds were off-limits and left it at that.

Lying, on the other hand, is another deal altogether. So I stood him in front of me, told him I knew he was lying and that lying was not tolerated in this family, and then said that he would need to go to his room until he was ready to tell me the truth.

"Ok, Mommy, I'm sorry," was his immediate response, "I don't want to go to my room."

Thinking we were finally getting somewhere I said, "Ok, then, you need to tell the truth. Did you play with the blinds?"

"No, I didn't."

After I sent Drew to his room, I sat downstairs, blown away at the strength of his instinct for self-preservation. As soon as he told that first lie, he was committed--if he wanted to avoid admitting wrongdoing, he had to stick with his story, whether it made any sense or not. Sadly, the longer he stuck with it, the further it led him away from reconciliation with me, his loving mom.

How silly of him, I thought, to think that I wouldn't know he was lying. And to cling so long to the notion that denying his guilt would work out better for him than just admitting it.

How often, though, do we try to pull the same ridiculously futile stunt with God? We try to cover up our selfish motives, hide our secret sins, sometimes even boldly lying to His face. And, let's be totally honest here, we get ourselves in the same sin cycle Drew was in -- committed to a course of action that can only lead us away from our Heavenly Father, but unable or unwilling to come clean. Even though we're totally miserable, we somehow convince ourselves admitting the truth will be even worse.

This morning in church we read the following Scripture:

Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.
Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.
When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.
Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, " I will confess my transgressions to the LORD"
--and you forgave the guilt of my sin.
Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may found;
surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him.
You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.
(Psalm 32:1-7)

Our natural instinct when we are ashamed is to cover ourselves (think Adam and Eve in the garden). But only when we make ourselves naked and vulnerable before God can he clothe us with his righteousness. How it must break God's heart to watch us "wasting away" with guilt and shame, when all we need to do is acknowledge our sin and he will not only forgive us, but become our very hiding place.

When I went up to Drew's room yesterday and he finally confessed, told me the truth and apologized, I told him that there was nothing he could ever do that telling his dad and I the truth wouldn't be better than lying. I got tears in my eyes as I said it because I realized just how true that statement was, and what it implied as Drew grows up: there is nothing he could do that would cause us to love him any less. If he is dishonest with us, it breaks our trust and creates a very real chasm in our relationship. But if he confesses, we want nothing more than to forgive and restore the relationship.

How much more does our Heavenly Father desire to be merciful with us?

The Balancing Act

Let's face it: much of the work of motherhood is really about giving up the self. Not in a horrible, abusive way, but in a healthy, peeling away the excess, refining way. And yet, I resist the notion that what's left should be something other than me. In fact, what' s left should be me better defined. I believe God gave me strengths and weaknesses, a particular personality and certain gifts and talents for a reason. And I believe he wants me to bring these to my parenting. Ultimately, if I rely on Him, I will be be a good mom because of who I am, not in spite of it.

Therefore, while clearly the main focus of my life right now is raising these two precious boys God has given us, I also have an active life as a wife, worship leader, church member, writer, reader, friend, daughter (in-law) and sister (in-law), and wannabe knitter. I believe these aspects of my life enrich it, and make me a better mom to my boys. But, I must confess, I do struggle--as so many of us do--to find the right balance. It's easy to make excuses both ways -- to shirk my mommy duties in favor of other things that feel more stimulating or rewarding at the moment, or on the other side, to flake out on a church or work responsibility and use my kids as a convenient excuse.

The answer, I know, lies in looking to God each day to set my priorities and manage my time. But that, of course, is much easier said than done. And ultimately, the heart of it is about living my life to please God, not people. That, too, is a perpetual challenge.

Clearly there's still a lot more refining to be done.

The Realization

I remember the moment precisely. It was just a week or two after my second son was born and the four of us were walking home, having just visited the farmer's market. It was a beautiful fall morning and the first time we'd broken out the double stroller. As I walked along next to my husband and sons, I felt complete. After all those months of waiting, our baby was here and we were a family.

Something about this second baby seemed to change something in my perception of our situation. No longer were we the cute, young couple with a toddler. We were a family. And then, suddenly it dawned on me. We were a family---and I was the mom!!!

It was in that moment, on that gorgeous Saturday in October, that I first felt like a grown up. I know, I know...I was already well into my thirties, had been a wife for almost 10 years and a mother for over 3. But it wasn't until that moment that I felt the full weight of my responsibility. And it almost knocked me off of my feet.

Thankfully, I know that my children are gifts from an Almighty God and he has ultimate responsibility for them. However, I'm fairly sure He has plans for me to have a significant role in their journey. And so, that's pretty much what my life is about right now: discovering how to raise my boys to be men after God's own heart.

Soli Deo Gloria